Saturday, August 25, 2007

Fright Night

Chapter 1 - A Horrid Black Smudge

I've learned to take Susanne seriously when she wakes up in a panic in the middle of the night.

"Neh, come back to bed" was not the best response when she said her water broke when pregnant with Charlie. I may have even said "are you sure? Shake it off," before rolling back to sleep.

So, when she nudged me last night at 1:30 am to tell me there was something in the bedroom flying around, my eyes popped open immediately like a horror film killer that you thought was dead . I mean, you shot him 17 times! He's got to be dead! Right?

There it was, a small black smudge in the darkness flying erratically from wall to wall – making a V shape back and forth. It was horrid.

We thrust the comforter over our heads.

"What is it?" Susanne asked. "A bird?"

I pulled the comforter down just slightly – to the bridge of my nose. And then back under the covers, fear-stricken.

"It's a bleeping bat! It's a bleeping bat!" Only I didn't say bleeping.

"Bleep!" I said.

"Bleep!" I said again.

"Bleep! Bleep! Bleep!"

"What are we going to do?" Susanne asked.

It was getting steamy and warm under the heavy comforter.

Once I was done bleeping, I thought of our options. I tried to picture myself battling the bat with a broom or a tennis racket. Neither of which was handy. I was not faring well in the vision in my head. There was nothing around that I could use anyway. A clock radio? A brown sock?

"We have to get out of here," I said.

"OK," she said in a determined whisper, but what do we do about him?"

We looked down at Ben, our 2 year old, wedged tightly between us with big, curious eyes staring up at us, sucking away on his binky, not making a peep.

Chaper 2 - It's a Bat Alright

"Ooh, the under the covers game. I love that," Ben probably thought. "It's a bit late though, no? Ah, what the hell, I'm in. Dad, hit me with a little peek-a-boo action. Mom, how about a little 'Where's Ben?'"

We put our plan into action. We melted low to the floor and slowly scooted along the carpet like a three-headed ghost with the comforter still over our heads.

We traveled as blind as the bat that circled our heads, navigating our way around laundry baskets and plastic toy vegetables. The comforter lifted just slightly and I squealed.

"My back is exposed!"

"Keep moving!" Susanne barked.

Susanne tore down the baby gate at the top of the attic stairs like it was made of tissue paper and we slid down the stairs to safety, slamming the door behind us.


A quick visit to Charlie's room for some blood. 85. We give him a few squirts of apple juice to hold him over.

I searched the Yellow Pages for emergency pest control and found one that could come, but not until 3 am. So we waited. And waited. At 3:45 am I had the frazzled bat man on the phone.

"Dude, I'm soooooo lost. I've been driving in circles for the past 40 minutes. If I ever get there, I am so gonna take out my frustration on that bat."

I was exhausted and pissed that he was so late, but his bat trash talk won me over.

He finally arrived at 4 am, dust pan in hand, and I took him up to the door that leads up to the attic.

He opened the door very slowly and took one step in.

"I sure hope he's not hard to fin…" I said as the black smudge flapped its horrible wings and darted from one room in the attic to the other.

The bat man jumped back and slammed the door, clearly nervous.

"OK, I'm going in," he said, clenching his dust pan. "You coming up?"

"Neh, I'm cool here, thanks."

He went into the room the bat had flown into and closed the door behind him. "Oh yeah, it's a bat alright," he yelled down. "Fully grown."

I listened at the foot of the stairs as he sprayed spurts of poison from an aerosol can. He kept spraying and spraying. Meanwhile the doorknob kept twisting as he held on, I suppose, for a quick getaway. I kept staring at the closed door that kept jerking, the knob that kept twisting, more spraying. Was he OK?

He opened the door and closed it behind him, coughing hard. His eyes were terribly bloodshot. He walked down the stairs toward me, not saying a word. His red eyes met mine as he leaned close to me and sunk his sharp teeth into my neck.

Sorry. Poetic license. Actually, he did lunge at me, but it was to give me a bill for $265. Just as painful.

He left at 5 am. Just about time for me to get ready for work. Up all night and we can't blame diabetes this time.

Since our little incident, I've been doing a little bat research on the Internet. I learned that we could have all been bitten by this potentially rabid bat while we slept. Furthermore, it's possible that it could have done this without us even knowing.

How adorable is that?


At 6:08 AM, Blogger Nicole P said...

OK - this traumatic incident sort of had me rolling...

"My back is exposed!" and "along the carpet like a three-headed ghost..." especially these pieces...

Glad the evil creature has been evicted. Yikes.

At 7:02 AM, Blogger Shannon said...

I was skimming through at first and thought "Why the fuck is he bleeping?" Then I read it again and realized "Oooh, he wasn't really bleeping...I get it."

This was a funny story and the best lines are the ones Nic pointed out.

I also love the fact that I'm not the only one with toys and baskets of laundry all over the bedroom.

And then when the guy came out coughing when he blasted the bat....that must've been such a funny thing to see.

At 7:35 PM, Blogger Poet with a Day Job said...

I am laughing so hard right now I am almost crying. No I am crying. Favorite parts: ""My back is exposed!"" and the poetic good. I am glad you weren't unwittingly bitten while you slept. how can a bat do that!?!!? Genius.

At 5:59 AM, Blogger Carey said...

Nicole, Shannon and Poet:

Can laugh about it now, but we seriously went into "emergency situation" mode. We were really scared.

Apparently bat teeth are so fine and razor sharp that a bite often goes unnoticed.

Susanne gave me the "if I die from rabies" talk last night.

"Keep the house clean," she implores.

"Maybe hire a maid."

At 6:04 AM, Blogger Shannon said...

I was reminded of a show I saw where there was the myth of bats biting people in their sleep and sucking their blood. So this guy went and slept outside in a chair waiting for a bat to fly by. One came, landed on him, and the camera showed a close up of the bat gnawing away on his arm.

So yeah, it's true...bats bite you in your sleep.

At 6:08 AM, Blogger Carey said...

Fabulous. Thanks for that, Shannon.

At 6:27 AM, Blogger Shannon said...

Well, actually it was about how the myth of vampires started up and that it must've been caused by the habits of vampire bats.

I don't think we have any of those on the east coast. So just scratch what I said :D

At 7:34 AM, Blogger Chops said...

Just think about all the mosquitoes he/she was eating and how it saved you from encephalitis!

At 3:54 AM, Blogger Bernard said...

When he bit you I thought you were going to say the whole thing was a bad dream.

It reminds of the time we had a squirrel in our living room.

It's amazing how such little things (I won't say cute little things) can be such a PITA when in your house.

At 5:28 AM, Blogger Shannon said...

I get the picture...the bats. It took a few days, but it clicked. I originally thought it was the weapon of choice.

At 7:11 PM, Blogger Paige said...

umm, yeah, so you probably already know this, but due to the whole "bite you without you knowing it" thing, they recommend testing (or maybe, god forbid, treatment) whenever one has been exposed to those nasty things. I guess can be pretty quick and painless. at least that's something, right?

At 7:12 PM, Blogger Paige said...

that should have said, "I guess the bites can be pretty quick and painless."


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