I'm a Weirdo

Thank you, Shannon for the tag. You'd think after all the memes, I'd have no more weirdness left to reveal. Alas, here are ten more.

1. I married my first wife in the woods by a big old tree. It was a small impromptu ceremony during recess, officiated by a third-grader on a large stump. Her name was Renee. I really didn't want to marry her, but I had to if I wanted to be a member of the "gang." Everyone in the gang had a woman. It was amazingly sexist.

2. At age 16, I was a busboy in a hotel restaurant. Too lazy to "break down" the salad bar the correct way (making several trips to remove the ice cubes in big buckets), I decided it would be much easier to melt the ice with scalding water from the coffee machine. One night, I slipped while carrying a bus pan of hot water over to the salad bar. I had 2nd- and 3rd-degree burns up and down both legs and spent the summer on my back in pain while my skin reformed. You'll see a recurring theme in this list regarding my severe lack of judgment.

3. In real life, I'm pretty quiet and shy. Takes me a long time to feel comfortable around people.

4. In my early teens, I had trichotillomania. You can look it up. I'd rather not define it. Was hard enough just admitting this.

5. My favorite flavor ice cream has been the same since I was a kid. Chocolate chip mint.

6. In 1980, I was a 10-year-old disco god. In my powder blue suit with white satin tie and matching cap, I worked my mad dance skills at a school show, dancing to 'Pop Muzik' by British new wave band, M. "New York, London, Paris, Munich. Everybody talk about pop muzik."

7. I was quite the entrepreneur in high school. For just $200, my friend and I invested in a fake ID operation - a large cardboard replica of a Vermont drivers' license. We bought it from a couple of upperclassmen looking to lay low and get out of the ID game. It looked awful. We hung it on a wall at my friend's townhome when his father was away on business. Customers forked over 30 or 40 bucks and then stood in position to have just their head photographed with a Polaroid. Half of the students at my central New Jersey high school lived on Pinecrest Avenue in Vermont.

8. I am unhandy. My neighbor will often ask for my help while he's building something elaborate. He's currently building a wooden castle for the kids. He asks me to hand him a three-quarter-inch something-or-other and I shuffle through the toolbox, eventually handing him something completely wrong like a tape measure or a bottle of glue. "Whoa!" I stand with Charlie in awe as my neighbor operates a circular saw. A chainsaw. A ladder. A hammer.

9. I am the king of corny. I wrote a song for Susanne and sang it to her at our wedding reception with my trusty guitar. Despite #3.

10. I'd like to swim with dolphins, see a UFO and write a book. Not all at the same time though.